"Release the Kraken"

I know this happened over the summer,† but guys – we need to talk. And you know why.

(*ahrm*, cause of Liam Neeson)

Not content with mere oceanic wizardry, Liam Neeson assumed the mantle of the All-Father this past summer. (i'm not mixing mythological world-views here, either – they made that Greek pantheon ridiculously Nordic – but we'll get to that).

I'm trying to figure the movie out. Yes, STILL trying to figure it out. Not in a qualitative way, so much as an ontologically. I have no idea what the movie was trying to do. I mean yes, in the most obvious way – it was trying to dig up the old, amazing Clash of the Titans, take it out for a spin, dust off those money-makers, let them shine a little bit; throw in some 300-stabbing, punch of the action with a little tres-d. A little weekend fun, shall we say. Not a crime.††

That's all very clear, all very whatever – summer action movie, nostalgia banking / generational tribute, etc etc. But what about all the other stuff? Let's start with the genies:


The Genies

(1) Where the hell did these guys come from??

(2) In the credits, they're not listed as genies; not the main one at least. He's credited as Suleiman. We will ignore how Suleiman was the opposite of a genie; instead let's consider that they're not going into nearly enough detail about this Greco-Genie war one of the Greek soldiers alludes to, and also that Suleiman blows himself up to destroy the Medusa.

If what they're doing with genies is not the most heavy-handed-but-opaque (impasto, digamos) reference to American engagement in Iraq and Afghanistan, I don't know what is. But what are they doing with it?? I have no idea. It's just there. It screams WAR, then it blows itself up, and then you're like, "Wait, did that guy just... blow himself up...?"

See, 'cause it's really confusing. I'm not entirely sure he blew himself up. Wasn't he being turned to stone? Maybe when you're a genie, getting turned to stone makes you blow up? Because you're made out of trees? From the desert? Where all the trees are? Wait, was he being turned to stone? Didn't they just refer to the fact that's he's genderless in the previous scene? Should he even be allowed in there, cause of the curse or whatever?

At least this allows us to return from "undecodable reference to war" to "bad writing," which is easier to cope with – Summer Action Movie. Now we can take that folder out of the cold case file and stamp it: SOLVED. Oh, but this brings us to:


The Pantheon

This is what I mean when I say they've Nordified the Greco-Roman pantheon: The movie is about Ragnarok, and Christianization.

(1) Ragnarok
What are they doing with Hades?? I don't think they even mention him in the first movie, and now he's the guy in charge of the Kraken? Liam Neeson turns around, all deific, ordering the release of the Kraken in the bossest possible way, and he's talking to this crumbly, Iago-Hades? Poseidon's getting totally robbed, I'm not down with that. And this wacko sibling rivalry? The worst Hades ever did was kidnap Persephone, as far as I'm aware. None of this paradigm-shifting chthonic uprising. What is that? They're mapping Loki onto Hades, with his unbinding and assault on Asgard-Olympus. It's ridiculous.

Let's also remember that Liam Neeson is a wizard, so really they're casting him as Odin. In this context a proper and perfectly logical decision.

Now; before I move on. I'm sure some people would prefer to go straight to the monotheistic interpretation – Armageddon, the battle of Heaven and Hell – but trust me, follow the Nordic thread a little bit:

(2) Christianization
Every time you read about Norse myth and folklore, you get people talking about Christianization. Questions of when the sagas were written, by whom, to what end, etc. – like with Beowulf. From my understanding, Christianity pokes the stuff in the tail the whole time, because most of the literature is post-Christian era, and then you get to hear all about Ragnarok, the death of the gods, and humanity's (presumably Christian) persistence.

Oddly enough, the recent Clash of the Titans paints a similar picture to the one above,‡ except instead of describing the triumph of Christianity over the Pagan North it's anarchically Atheist.

I mean, it's not that odd, that's my whole point. What's odd is that it does it. And again, as with WAR, what is it saying about RELIGION?

"RELIGIOOOON!" the movie shouts, imitating Mel Gibson in impassioned exclamation.

It says nothing. Actually, scratch that‡‡ – it at least says more than it does about WAR. What it does say, incessantly, through its bratty Perseus and his whiny "I hate the [G]ods! blah blah," is that he renounces his faith and will live on without it, how about them apples. And then Liam Neeson, in a highly unwizardly act, does not lock him in his secret laboratory to swim around with the weird flesh-devouring tadpoles, but instead gives him a flying black hot-rod and an immortal girlfriend,

Even though he's just renounced this funky pseudo-Christian Greco-Nordic pantheon in favor of Atheism, thus condemning your crazy Christian parallel universe faith to the same fate as its polytheistic forbears!

...
"I think that's a really good point."


Why thank you total stranger, I agree with me, too.




†That said, it does take a long time for news waves to reach the ocean deep, where I live. It's not like outer space – there's all these molecules up in here causing interference.

††Not like what we do to these poor Scandinavian movies. (1a, 1b), (2a, 2b). I'm not even criticizing the caliber of the American versions, (not at the moment), it's just that there's a rankling quality to something so unnecessary. Two years? Five years? After thirty years – then – I'd say a remake is permissible. That is, in principle; I'd still say it's rarely legitimately warranted.

‡Yes, in all its confused, unfounded, 8th-grade essay glory. In just that way. But also in what it's saying.

‡‡A~nd done.

Awkward Situations

そうですよ

Expedition

Faithful Readers –

I know I've been absent this past month, but I have exciting news – be prepared to hear many reports on the life of the elusive pixie mermaid. I have been exploring deep sea trenches, questing for a glimpse of their grapefruit-sized selves and glowing foreheads (their foreheads glow). Thanks to assiduous study of the travelogues of many crazed sailors, I, Johnny Fishtail, foremost North American cryptoanthropologist, have discovered many secret things.

Here are some facts about pixie mermaids to whet your appetite:

Pixie mermaids are the size of a grapefruit.

Pixie mermaids are apex predators in their natural habitat.

Pixie mermaids are delicious.

Pixie mermaids wear winkle shells as hats.

Pixie mermaids have names like Carl and Danny.

Pixie mermaids are no less delicious for being named Carl.

They speak perfect English.

This makes them more delicious.

I make every effort to investigate the natural world like they did in the good old days. Until next time, happy reader,

– Johnny

But what about the Shells??

Shell-brassieres stay on with the aid of a sea-snail derived adhesive – same principle behind knee-sock glue.

That was the originary question of this project. Now I've answered it; very simple.

Many other questions surrounding shell-brassieres, though:

1. What is the point?

It is clear shell-brassieres have no straps, so they're not being used to provide support. The mermaid's aqueous environment allows her body to be sufficiently buoyant as to preclude such a need.

I guess we discussed this before, and the conclusion was that despotic sea kings are manic about public decency. Or indecency, as it were.

2. uh...

There aren't really many other questions, are there? Just #1. oh, yes? You there, in the back, what's your question?

3. Where do they get the shells?

There is a complicated shell economy. Pearls are valuable, but it's clear that mother-of-pearl is the basic mermaid currency. Many shells are used as straight cash, like gold ingots. These are shells that, for whatever reason, make suboptimal brassieres – giant clams, tiny clams, razor clams, all too excessively some-thing. It's straight-up tawdry to wear oyster shells; that's like walking around in a dress made of ... well, not dollar bills, so much as printing presses, or strong-boxes. In any case, oysters are out. Conchs have obvious deficiencies as pseudo-support-wear; and are, besides, already in high demand among undersea musicians.

While mermaids can sift out their own shells, there are many who make a living off the selection and sale of the choicest pieces. The profession requires great effort, as it concerns not so much the defining of taste and fashion in undersea society as the ability to match perfectly shell to shlady. Excuse me, lady. The evolution of the bivalve was a godsend to the industry, as shell-bra peddlers were able to both eat a tasty snack and produce two perfectly matched specimens to complement the right-left symmetry of their clientele. I know, because that's the order it happened in. I read about it on Wikipedia.

Mermaids with radial symmetry would be horrifying, don't you think?

HAM

Hayao Miyazaki's latest extraordinary motion picture event* is apparently leaving most of the viewing public highly satisfied. This is disturbing. The movie is horrifying. It's about a carnivorous fish-girl that unleashes the raw power of the Cambrian Era onto the world. We're furthermore forced to acquiesce to her understanding of the events, with no regard for the esteemed Liam Neeson (I saw the dub) – not only is she five, but she's also, quite literally, lived in a bubble her entire short life.

First thing is first – Liam Neeson is a wizard. This is evident from his part as Qui-gon Jinn in the 4th/1st† Star Wars movie, a role which is paternal and also in keeping with his being a wizard-father in Ponyo.

But what Liam Neeson isn't is an evil wizard, as his ungrateful, man-eating daughter states. And I mean man-eating literally, not sexually – they're five, please – if you didn't see the link where she licks the child's blood then you go back and click on it now, cause it's awesome. Don't look at me askance for making crass jokes about the movie, either. I was accused once for doing a set design that had a phallic fixation, but like, the play was about male dominance. Likewise, this movie has lots of reproductive imagery, to put it demurely.

Liam Neeson can't be an evil wizard, furthermore, because he's really David Bowie, so if anything he's really just a space alien (again, Star Wars bears me out in this). There's no single image that creates an exact corollary, but if you look at a picture of Liam Neeson (which, for some reason, you'll find under Fujimoto), and you Google pictures of David Bowie, I know you'll get three or four pictures to back this up.‡

At worst Neeson is being an overprotective father, but frankly that's very understandable. His wife abandons him and leaves him with... like, 100 children? How many evil fish-girls are swimming around in that bubble thing in his house? 100, right? 200? Tons of kids. And he's a long-haired environmentalist who doubles as a space-alien rock star – ie. a very busy man – who has to feed magical regents to prehistoric fish and make sure he doesn't get the bends while zooming around on his strange decapitated pleisiosaur boat. I mean, poor guy; in addition to all the stresses of an active life, he's the poster child for "outdated."

His daughter, furthermore, is causing all these natural disasters. The flooding of the world, the unleashing of the genesis of life. And she has the gall to fall asleep after doing all that; I'd be an angry dad, too, with the moon coming down on my head. Especially if I only found out about that ten minutes from the end of the movie. "Oh yeah, in addition to massive tsunamis and catastrophic rising sea levels, the moon is falling on our heads and this needs to be resolved in ten minutes."

Placoderms, might I add, are terrible, carnivorous creatures that make sharks blush, and I think I saw one or two of those swimming around during Ponyo. I like reading science articles on Wikipedia, because you learn terms like hypercarnivorous apex predator. That thing's going to kill you! So, okay – maybe we don't have to worry about Dunkleosteus, because Liam Neeson's all about the Cambrian Age and that's the Devonian (personal favorite, love the Devonian), but there's some big fuck-off fishes in there.

Oh man, I'm getting distracted, but this is great – America's so awesome, we don't even use the same system of measurement for geological ages. Geology is also awesome, because it's all about EVENTS. There are lots of events in Geology, and I can guarantee you they're way more meaningful than Disney's extraordinary motion picture events.


* Vomit, Disney. I'd link to the American trailer, but it seriously makes me ill, like in my stomach, and ears, and I enjoyed my lunch just fine, but I only want to enjoy it once. Let us instead appreciate the elegance of the French trailer.
† You have to know Jedi metaphysics to understand how to properly describe the numbering of those movies. It's like Final Fantasy games – you can't make a sequel to a number in a sequence, I'm sorry.
‡ I know of course because I did it already, as you can see from all the links.

Hark, A Vagrant

Alright, breaking with form, but: you have to read
Kate Beaton.

This is IT. This is the serious shit. I've been reading this for hours. Here will be the one link, so this doesn't look like one of my one-sided gmail conversations where I send 150 links to three friends while they secretly plot to kill me by cutting my name out of Reply to All. (that's not how they plan to kill me, that's how they ... make plans to kill me).

But let it be known, Kate Beaton's also written a million other (yes, a million) a million other awesomazing cartoons about mermaids, and sailors. also: History, Canada, cats. seen some cats in the piece. Pope JP, Deux, greatest Pope ever. (I'm Catholic, it's true). Literature.

Man. phew. This is it.